Posted by: lolalately | September 7, 2012

Floating

I’ve wanted to blog all week, and yet I’m not sure that I should write today. I have so much I need to get out, want to get out, but I’m afraid it will all come tumbling out in a rush and not make much sense. Maybe that’s a disclaimer. Maybe it’s just a sad yet accurate description of where I am today. I’m floating. Floating between frustration and indifference. Floating on waves of sadness and exasperation. Floating between layers of doubt and sureness. But floating nonetheless.

My husband travels for a living. He’s an airline pilot, so every few days he disappears into thin air for somewhere between 10 and 20 hours until he’s back on terra firma and sends me the same tired text message; “OTFG” … “on the fucking ground”.  Sometimes “otfg” is followed by the airport code for the city he’s just landed in, but more often than not, it’s just that 4 letter acronym that lets me know his aircraft has safely landed, and that I’ll hear from him within the next two hours.

And though he calls while he’s away, there used to be days when we’d talk a dozen times, and sometimes for hours on end. We don’t talk that long or that often anymore. Not while he’s gone, not when he’s home. I think sometimes we’ve run out of things to talk about. Even when we do talk, I have to admit I don’t always pay complete attention to what he’s saying. Sometimes I just wait for the silence. I wish for it.

I used to hate it when he left, I hated the silence, the emptiness and loneliness I felt in his absence. I don’t hate it anymore, although I still occasionally tell him I do. Sometimes I actually long for it, long for him to go, to return me to my silence. Where I don’t have to talk, don’t have to listen, don’t have to think. Yes, some days, I just want to cocoon myself in silence and simply float there.

If it sounds like I don’t love my husband, I do. I’m not sure I can define that love, although I used to be able to. Maybe I’ve grown more realistic about love. Maybe I’ve come to realize that the love I’d imagined isn’t a love that truly exists. Or maybe I’ve just been hurt, lied to, disappointed, betrayed and played so often, that love just doesn’t really matter anymore. See? I told you I was afraid all my thoughts would come tumbling out, and indeed, that’s what’s happening. Deal with it. I have to.

When I woke up this morning I phoned my husband (who’s in China). It was nearing midnight his time and I figured he’d be headed to bed, if he wasn’t there already, and I wanted to hear his voice. He’s forever telling me to call anytime, day or night. But he knows from our history that I’m pretty careful not to call in the middle of the night (not wanting to disrupt his rest) and I don’t call often.

He didn’t sound happy to hear from me, and that hurt my feelings. I felt rushed to end the call. Like he had something better to do. And after we said our goodbyes, I sent him a text telling him how I felt. Hey, he’s the one always preaching to me to “be honest”, “say what you mean”, “don’t hold back”.

My text to him read; 

“Hmmm, you didn’t sound very happy to hear from me. Is it my imagination? Or is my gut instinct that I interrupted something spot on? No need to call back. Sleep well.”  Oh I admit that my tone was accusatory, even damning. I intended it to be. Why pussy foot around the issue?

We’ve been here before. Many times. And though his standard behavior is DENY & DEFLECT … I no longer buy the bullshit. I also don’t care nearly as much as I used to. Of course, it still stings to think my husband may betray me, but I’m used to it. I know it’s not about me, it’s entirely about him, and in my heart, I happen to think all men are dogs. There, I said it. ALL MEN ARE DOGS. They all want to sniff someone else’s junk, they all want to leave their mark, they all care far more about the chase than the prey. Yep, that’s my opinion of men. And if I became single tomorrow (not that I wish for that) I would have absolutely no use for a man, ever again. I can kill my own bugs, I can paint my own walls, I can make myself cum. I need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  

I can hear it now; “bitter, party of one, your table’s ready” … lol … And I can’t deny it. The bitterness floats right above the anger.

My therapist, our marriage counselor, asked me months ago if I could go on being married to my husband knowing there would likely continue to be “gray areas” in our marriage. Gray areas being those situations that gut instinct and common sense tell you exist despite your partner’s best denials. I had to take a week or so to think about it, and I concluded that though I’d try, the truth is, I just don’t know. It’s that floating thing again. Floating between the marriage I’d always wanted and dreamed of and the marriage I actually have. So today I’m floating there again. I’d like to believe him when he says my accusations are unfounded … but I still have my doubts. And when he responds as he did with something so asshole-stupid as; “sometimes I think I should just go out and fuck around since I’m accused of it so often, I might as well do it”,  I felt absolutely no guilt or shame in replying; “sometimes I think about going out and fucking every man I can find just to rub your nose in what it feels like to be on the receiving end of bullshit and lies.” How’s that “don’t hold back” crap working for ya?

Gray areas and floating. One in the same. Today the sky is gray, my heart feels cold, and I’m floating here alone … in silence.

Float on ~  Lola

 

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Responses

  1. I can relate to this post. I was taken back to a relationship where I lived with a man for 7 years, and we became so stagnant that when I did choose to leave him, he really wanted me in his life, but it was too late. We grew into different people. I don’t regret leaving.

    I think it’s good to know your areas that you are super concerned about, like the gray areas. I hate them. I need to know at all times how things in my life are going, good or bad. It helps me deal better.

    Hope your weekend is good and just know that you are not alone in spirit!

    xoxo

  2. You’re not alone in that floating, I feel like I’m doing that as well. Trouble is, I’ve gotten rather used to the numbing quality of it and I’m not sure I want it to stop. Maybe it’s safer just to float here and let life happen around us than to be stirred up into the malstrom around us. As for those gray areas, good description by the way, I’ve got some of those too. Do all marriages? I’ve been living (floating?) through mine for going on 14 years now and they pretty much never change. You just become more or less numb to them.

  3. This is such an honest post, and you have such a conversational writing style.
    I’m not married but I can understand what you’re feeling.

  4. Floating. What a perfect way to describe what I myself have often felt. My husband also travels for work and in my alone time I often feel like I’m caught or stuck in some kind of limbo. Floating is a perfect way to describe it. Our marriage has also been fraught with betrayals and lies and even now, some 20 years on, I find myself wondering if he’s up to no good each time he’s away. Like you, I don’t care nearly as much. My life is relatively good, and I have certain comforts I enjoy as a married woman. So I guess I’ll just have to try to relax and take comfort in the thought that I’m floating. Thank you for giving a voice to my feelings. I enjoy your writing very much.

    • Thanks for your kind comments everyone. And Carolanne, your comment is the impetus for the post I’m now writing and hope to complete tonight. Thanks for such good food for thought! ~ Lola

  5. Wow… I’m so sorry for your pain. My husband was an executive and traveled multiple nights a week for 8 years for business. It was never supposed to be part of the marriage deal.

    My husband cheated and cheated and cheated. He hid it well. I just found out a year ago. He was always loving and sweet to me but as soon as he’d hit the road he’d be hooking up. Our therapist says its the lizard part of the male brain, that men are very unlike women, they have to make a choice everyday to be faithful. If the oppertunity presents its self and wifey is not around it’s hard for a man to say no. For some fucked up reason women seem to like married men.

    My husband was desperate to save our marriage and this past March he resigned from his job. He had been one of the top 1% earners in the country so walking away from his career was no small thing. His main AP had been a very unattractive women he worked with. The others were strippers and whores.

    I agree all men are dogs. I think any man given the oppertunity would cheat, espicslly if he thinks no one will ever know.


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