Posted by: lolalately | April 7, 2013

Even when you can … you won’t

For nearly a year I have been planning a trip to my favorite European city as a celebration of my new-found health. Friends and family alike knew that this trip was important to me. It was initially to be a trip shared with my best gal pal, but she bailed on me at the start of the year. I still intended to go, even if it meant going alone. But when she cancelled on me, my husband suddenly announced he’d go with me. I was surprised.

Given that his career involves living in airplanes and sleeping in hotels, and that no matter how I’ve tried, I cannot convince the man to take a “real vacation” with me, here he was suddenly willing to spend 5 days in Europe. My excitement grew.

We’d been getting along well for some time. I’d seen no evidence of him returning to his old and hurtful past behaviors, so when he expressed a desire to make the journey with me, I saw the celebration in richer colors; my improved health, our improved marriage.

About a month into revising the itinerary I’d planned as a girlfriends getaway into a couples trip, he sprang on me that he was “concerned about the timing” of our trip. It would mean leaving the US the day after he returned from China, and following our return home, he’d have just one day of rest before returning to the sky once more. He felt that he might just be so tired that he’d drag me down and keep me from enjoying the trip I’d been looking forward to for nearly a year.

Despite my disappointment at yet another person bailing on me, I coould not argue with his reasoning. I know that as a pilot, his time home is precious to him and I also know how tired he gets. I couldn’t honestly blame him for his concerns, even as my insides sank again, and I was riddled with the thought that even when you can travel with me … you won’t.  

And just as quickly as he’d bowed out, he recommended a replacement he was certain would not leave me hanging; my sister. My sister lives a state away and had recently lost her job. Broke and depressed and in dire need of a diversion, my husband was confidant that sis would jump at the chance to excape to excitement … especially as I was picking up 100% of the tab. I phoned her immediately and put the offer before her. She snapped it up like a hungry cat snatches a tin of tuna. Once again my excitement peaked out from behind the dark curtain where for the second time it had gone to lick its wounds. Time to revise my plan once again. For the next two weeks or so, there were countless phone and emails shot back and forth between my sister and me. I think she was even more excited than I was about our upcoming travels, and her excitement was infectious.  

My husband encouraged me to spare no expense.  I’d booked a luxury hotel (not the most expensive, but certainly not a cheap one) in the heart of the city, private car transfers at our destination, and we’d be flying in business class instead of coach. He felt this way we were more likely to arrive rested and refreshed and wouldn’t lose a day of our trip to being tired. I was touched by his concern and truthfully, quite pleased with his generocity and largesse.

But as so often has happened in my nearly dozen years with my husband, my happy mood and excitement was short-lived. Cut dead by finding an email in which he sought the services of a Craigslist escort while he was away from home. Of course, he insisted he hadn’t sent the email, and did his usual “deny and deflect” act.  I’m not a total fool. I see reality where he continues to hope I’ll not see beyond his smoke and mirrors. Despite the fact that there was no visible response from the whore, no monies removed from his credit or debit cards, and no record of any phone calls either from his cell phone or the hotel he was in, that one email was damning enough.

Suddenly his “my wife doesn’t need to fly coach or stay in a cheap hotel” was making sense. It was clear to me that his open wallet was more about his open trousers than an open heart.  And I said as much to him. His denials persisted, as did his indignance, and for what must be the umpteenth time in our marriage, I thought how much better off I’d be if I could just leave him. But nothing is ever that simple.

For reasons that I will not expound on here, I will likely never leave this marriage. I will simply continue to accept that life is about trade-offs and acceptance. I know that my husband loves me on some level, and even though it’s not the love I’d hoped to have in my life, it’s really all he’s capable of.  My husband doesn’t have to make his cheating so obvious. He could cover his tracks much, much better. But even when he can … he won’t.

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Responses

  1. It sounds like we’re married to very similar men. Maybe there are actually lots of us married to him if I’m to believe the numerous blogs I read about cheating husbands. I know it doesn’t make it any easier this knowing you’re not alone, but there are lots of us out here and I really do understand where you’re coming from. I hope you can find a way to still enjoy the trip and to put him out of your head at least for awhile. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.


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