Posted by: lolalately | December 23, 2012

Where do we go from here?

It’s been more than a month since my last post. I could tell you that I’ve just been so busy with the holidays, family and business comittments that I simply haven’t had time to blog. I could tell you that December is just not a good month for me in general (never has been) and so I find little motivation beyond getting my ass out of bed most days. I could say that we had a wedding anniversary, I had a birthday, I’ve had to deal with difficult step children, I’m still mourning the loss of my friend and mother-in-law. And all of it would be true. But none of those “reasons” is the real reason I haven’t blogged.

The truth is I’ve been trying to deny the very subject I most need to write about; how to know if a friendship has run its course, and if it has … what’s next?

In an earlier post I wrote about a female friend, someone I’ve known just a couple of years, but who I got to know very, very well, very quickly. This is the same friend who’s been quite judgemental of me this year. And though I’ve made peace with that, and in fact cleared the air with her, something else has happened to make me question the very value of continuing this friendship.

As I said, I had a birthday this month. I also hosted a luncheon for several girlfriends, which the lady in question attended. Yesterday morning during a casual chat, she shared the following story with me; shortly after she arrived at the luncheon, I excused myself for a few moments and my husband apparently took my friend aside to show her a Christmas gift he’d bought for me. Now, him buying me a Christmas gift isn’t unusual by any means. In fact, he’s quite good about remembering our anniversary, my birthday, Christmas, even Valentine’s Day. It’s also a well known fact that my husband has a great need for approval – specifically the approval of my best friend – and he sometimes goes about obtaining this in a less than desirable way. He also brags far too much, which he knows irritates me.

But back to the point. He showed her the gift and apparently wasted no time in telling her the cost as well. She was mortified. Not just at the supposed cost, but the mere fact that he’d bought me this particular gift; a diamond ring. A supposedly quite large diamond ring. A diamond ring like one would give the woman he’s proposing marriage to. Only, we’re already married, and have been for many years.

My friend was in such distress about the ring, that she said she had to phone her husband to share it with him, and to ask his advice about telling me. His advice was to keep her mouth shut and let me  receive my gift and draw my own conclusions. She chose not to do that.

Instead, she gave me a complete play-by-play of her encounter with my husband, a full description of the (gawdy, over-the-top, way too expensive … all her words) ring, and the cost. I confess that I was surprised he’d bought me a diamond ring. I confess I was surprised at the amount of money he’s alleged to have spent. But as I told her; it’s his money, he inherited it from his late mother and how he spends it is his business, not mine. The fact that he’s apparently chosen to spend some on a gift from me, is also his business, not mine.

So now, here I sit, two days before Christmas, listening to the excitement in my husband’s voice as he repeatedly says he’s hoping I’ll like my Christmas gift as much as he liked buying it for me. And I’m wondering to myself; how do I fake being surprised and pleased about this gift when I open it? And what if my friend’s right and it is gawdy? She’s convinced I’ll hate it, she says it’s the “wrong stone” for me, and that I’m going to feel very uncomfortable even trying it on.

But what if she’s wrong? What if I love the ring? What if it’s perfect? What if it looks grand on my hand? What if I really am thrilled with it? Will she be angry or disappointed with me? Will she think even less of my husband? Is that even possible? And beyond those questions is this; what the hell was she thinking even mentioning it to me to begin with? Why did she so badly need to unburden herself that she felt it was okay to ruin a Christmas surprise? Who does that? And what’s next? What else would she be willing to do just because she believes it’s necessary, even if it’s going to hurt me? ANd by whose authority was she accorded the responsibility to do that?

I cannot imaging that her rational for telling me has anything whatsoever to do with her being jealous of me receiving such a gift. She and her husband have enough money to buy and sell me a dozen times over.  She’s never given a fig about jewelry and rarely even wears her wedding band. On the flip side, she knows I like jewelry, I enjoy wearing the few pieces I own, and when my husband and I got married, he certainly couldn’t afford an elaborate, expensive diamond engagement ring. Hell, we could barely afford a wedding and cake reception. What if his reason for giving me this gift was to make up for not having been able to give me such a ring years ago? What if he just happened to be walking by the store window, saw the ring and thought to himself that his wife would be tickled pink to receive it? What if he just wanted to do something nice for me for Christmas and now that he can afford to … he just did it?

Why can’t this friend just be happy for me? Even if the ring isn’t to her liking, why assume it won’t be to mine? I get that I’m guilty of sharing what I now realize was too much info with her about the state of our marriage. I get that she, like me, doesn’t know if this marriage can survive. So what? Does that mean that until I’m 100% sure of this marriage (if that’s even possible) I shouldn’t accept any gifts from my spouse?

I’m hurt, I’m confused, I’m troubled, I’m worried. Has our friendship run the course and she’s looking for a way out, and sees this as the best way to facilitate her exit? Is there possibly more to it than this? Does she know something I don’t know? I asked her casually if my husband had ever made a pass at her and she swiflty and curtly said “no”, but what if he did? Is that why she hates him so much? Because she’s made it crystal clear that she despises my husband. And it cannot just be that I’ve shared his philandering with her. Hell, her own husband did exactly the same thing – and then some – before pulling his head out of his ass 18 months ago and realizing he was about to lose her and everything else he valued. So what the hell is bee in her bonnet that’s got her all hyped up about this Christmas gift? And where do we go from here?

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Responses

  1. How can a “best friend” who does these things be considered a friend?
    -hates your husband
    -can’t keep a secret
    -can’t keep her opinion to herself
    -jealous of you
    -sabotaging your Christmas surprise

    This is not a friend. This is a jail warden.

  2. I’ve been troubled about our “friendship” for many months, and I’ve blamed myself for our friendship falling apart. If only I hadn’t ever complained about my husband, if only I hadn’t ever shared about stepchildren difficulties, if only I hadn’t voiced concerns about money. If only, if only, if only. And yet, if one can’t go to a friend for understanding and support, is that person really a “friend” or merely an aquaintance? She hasn’t been a true friend for some time, and even though I’ve blamed myself, the fact is, she’s made a choice to do the things she’s done. The question now is this; is there anything here that can be salvaged and if so, how do I do that? If not, do I just walk away without saying anything?

  3. Sounds like my ex-best friend, I’m so glad I dumped that bitch.

  4. Just curious, did you tell your ex-best friend why you were ending the friendship?


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