When just enough becomes too much

I haven’t written in awhile. A long while. There’s just been too much on my plate to add one more thing. But you know how life is; one more thing does get added, then one more, then one more, then one more. There’s no stopping the onslaught. We tend not to say “enough”, refusing to take on more until enough finally and really becomes too much. And that’s where I found myself a couple of weeks ago. Feeling buried. Suffocated. Drowned in life. And I finally meant it when I screamed “ENOUGH”.

So I took a break, and took some time just to sit, to relax, to breathe, to be. And ya know what I figured out? That sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I say “yes” when I really want to say “no”, I say “sure I can” when what’s sitting just behind the smile is; “HELL NO I CAN’T”! Sadly for the poor sap who tried to add the last straw, I blew up, like a volcano. But the lava has stopped pouring out, and the embers have died down, and the heat’s no longer visible above the hardened flow. I’m calm. Well, more calm than I was.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we take on so much? Why do we tell others they need to slow down, take it easy, enjoy life, cut themselves some slack, but we deny the same courtesy to ourselves? Why is it so easy to respect others and so hard to respect ourselves?

When was the last time you took an entire day for yourself? Not to catch up on work around the house, not to clean out your closets, not to finish the stack of books piling up beside your bed … but just to breathe and relax and BE? I know before this latest blow-up I hadn’t taken time for me in months, and months, and months. In fact, the last time I’d taken any time just for myself was the enforced rest I took in the days following my April 2012 surgery, when all I could do was “be”.

In the year since that surgery I’ve been in Super Woman mode nearly 24/7 and it’s taken its toll. I’m tired, and edgy, and irritable. My shoulders hurt, my migraines are back with a vengence, and I’m thinking about food all the time. I find no pleasure in tv, or the internet, or even talking to friends. And sex? Well, it was just another chore on the list.

So what’s it going to take for me, for you, to finally “get” that life is short? No one laying on their deathbed ever called out; “Damn, if only I’d gotten to clean out just one more closet or run one more errand for yet one more demanding family member.” When are we going to truly understand and accept that life ends but the chores and demands never do, so fuck the chores and demands – start living!!!

I’m supposed to travel to France next month. A trip a year in the making. I was supposed to be going with my best gal pal. But she bailed on me. In fact, she bailed on me in more ways than just that trip, but hey, that’s life. Anyway, I asked my husband to go with me instead. The trip is to celebrate my “new life” since my life-saving surgery last April. Having that surgery was such a BIG deal for me, and I really wanted to celebrate the past year with a trip to someplace meaningful. For me, that place is Paris France. My bff knew that. My husband knows that.

So I dreamed, and I planned and I talked about it. A lot. And when it came time to book the plane tickets, my bff chose that moment to say she couldn’t go. In reality, I don’t think she ever truly intended to go. But my husband seemed eager to take her place, so all seemed well, and planning resumed. Until the past couple of days when even HE doesn’t seem keen to go. Lots of blah, blah, blah about his schedule, and how to “get everything done”, and the usual bull shit of life.

And ya know what? I have decided that whether or not my friend or my spouse decides to join me on this adventure, I AM GOING TO PARIS. I am going to sit in beautiful gardens, and drink strong coffee in sidewalk cafe’s, and wander through old shops, and pick through weekend flea market stalls and eat buttery croissants. I AM GOING TO PARIS to reward myself for surviving the past year. I am going to live whatever is left of my life the way I SEE FIT, on MY SCHEDULE, fulfilling MY DREAMS and MY NEEDS and the rest of the world can take a flying leap. ENOUGH IS INDEED ENOUGH.

PARIS HERE I COME!